The Cousin Who Wasn't

BONNIE L.M. McCOY

BONNIE LEE MAY McCOY (Age 55)

Of Mt. Airy, MD, died peacefully at home on December 27, 2012 following a 14-month battle with cancer. She was predeceased by her parents, Rudolf P. May and Margaret Abbott May, her brother, Robin O Clay, and her aunt, Wahneta Rodehaver.

Ms. McCoy was raised in Montgomery County, MD.  She grew up at The Manor Country Club in Rockville, MD, where she competed from a young age in both swimming and golf.  She graduated from Magruder High School in 1975, and cherished the lasting friendships she made there. During her 35 years as a Senior  Executive Assistant, she held positions within the GSA, the DOD (Naval Warfare and Office of the SecDef for C3I); Northrop-Grumman; Hughes; Burdeshaw & Associates; Marconi NA; and BAE Systems Inc. At the pinnacle of her profession, she had supported five defense industry CEOs; Flag and General Officers (both active and retired) across the US armed forces; and many foreign and domestic defense executives. Highly regarded and respected, she served as a role model to others on her career path.

She is survived by her dearest friend, Sandra Dugan; the Henderson Family who "adopted" and made her their own; her former husband and friend Bob McCoy; and her beloved "Newfies", Sugarbear and Juno. Commemorative arrangements are pending for early 2013. In memory, Bonnie requested donations, in her name, to either the Colonial Newfoundland Club (c/o Treasurer CNC, 264 Knoxville Rd, Knoxville, MD 21758), or Gentle Ben's Giant Breed Rescue (Gentle Ben's, P.O. Box 533, Zelienople, PA 16063) to support their outstanding rescue efforts for the gentle giant dog breeds she loved.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time I had a cousin.  She was born the same year my parents got married, 1957.

Families are complicated and growing up, I didn't know the back stories and family history that took place long before I arrived on the scene.  There are black and white photographs of us playing together when I was two or three.

What I remember is that we visited infrequently, and it was always usually my family and grandparents going to my uncle's house.  If my uncle came to visit us or my grandparents, he was usually on his own.   As she got older, my cousin rarely seemed to be around when we were visiting; the golf, the swimming and the country club lifestyle mentioned in her obituary took precedence over family.  Bonnie's mother, my uncle's second wife, never seemed to be comfortable around us,  a working class family where three out of the four adults visiting spoke with accents.   

We would occasionally go with them to the country club they belonged to, swimming in the pool or to 4th of July fireworks displays.  My cousin would pop by to say 'hello' but didn't really spend much time interacting us or with her grandparents.  I don't know if my grandparents felt slighted, I know that something always felt odd.  I know my mother felt it, because she and my father would talk about it in the car after we dropped my grandparents off at their house.

When I was thirteen, my uncle was in Germany on a business trip and visiting family.  He became ill, was hospitalized, died and was buried in Bruchkobel.  Memories of that have faded over the last forty years, but I do remember my father taking my grandmother to the Passport Agency in downtown Washington, DC  to get an emergency passport renewal so that she could travel to Germany.  I remember hearing that Grandma arrived in Germany before my uncle's wife and my cousin, and before my uncle died.  And I remember that at some point several years after his, his widow wanted his ashes moved from the beautiful little cemetery in Germany to Arlington National Cemetery.  Which left most of us perplexed, particularly the relatives in Germany which was where my uncle was born.  Leave him at peace.

The last time I saw this cousin was some time in 1973 at a memorial service for her father.  I remember that relations between my parents, grandparents and my aunt seemed distant and strained at that service.

In 1974, we moved to Illinois and lived there until 1981.  My parents never talked about my cousin or her mother, at least while I was within eavesdropping distance, and being a self-absorbed adolescent, it just didn't matter to me.

My father's family and my mother's family live in neighboring towns outside of Frankfurt, so usually we would stay with my paternal grandparents, and go to make the rounds of visiting with  my mother's family.

Every single time we visited my mother's cousins, the question would come up, what do you know of Bonnie?  Is she in touch with your grandparents?  Is she in contact with your family?  With the answers being, not a thing, no and no each time.  I remember feeling irritated with the relatives, thinking they should be more interested in the person in front of them rather than the mystery cousin.

Now, it's difficult when one of your parents doesn't like or get along with the other half of your family, particularly when you are young and easily influenced.  I understand that.  But at some point, as an adult, if it were me, curiosity would win that conflict.

But I always wanted to find her, to find out how her life turned out, what she knew or thought about the other half of her family, so finding out that she died eight days before my mother passed away is sad because all the questions will be forever unanswered.

With the advent of the Bing, Google and Facebook, I would try to search her name, but never came up with any good leads, and life gets busy.  Four or five years ago, I went with my mother to her high school reunion. My mother was about seven years younger than her brother, but they both attended the same high school in Washington, DC, McKinley Tech. At that reunion we heard from someone who knew both my mother and my uncle that Bonnie's mother had passed away several years prior, but no one knew anything about Bonnie or where she might be living.

I'm sorry I wasn't more tenacious about finding her; I wish she had been more inquisitive as well.  I hope she is at peace.