Persuasion

 Micah and Gracie, January 17, 2013

Micah's first grade class is learning how to write a persuasive letter:  This is what we received via the US mail from him; we are expected to respond in kind, mailing the letter to him at school.


02/05/2013

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love both of you.  You are both the generous Mom and Dad I ever had in my life.  I would like a dog or a trddlr (turtle) please.  Having a dog or a trddlr is important to me because wen I get home I don't  get any atation (attention).  Once time we went on a family walke.  I saw one of our nabrze (neighbors) was walkeing there dog.  I got jaulous (jealous).  I will do chorz (chores) for you and maybe you can pay me.  I will help you pay for the dog.

For example one time I was riding in Bill's and Donna's car and I was in the back with Grase (Gracie).  I dasided (decided) I would persuasive both of you.  Another ressin (reason) is one time I was at Tesh's house and I was rubbing her dog's toume (tummy), it was fun.

Love, Micah

Lydia M. Grebe, CEO

Mom, Inc.

Plainsboro, New Jersey

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Micah Albin

c/o Mrs. M. Collins, Room #15

Wicoff School

Plainsboro, NJ 08536

Dear Micah:

Thank you for your lovely letter.  Your handwriting was an example of your neatest work, clearly your request for a dog or a turtle is very important to you.

Unfortunately, we here at Mom, Inc. must respectfully decline your request for a dog.  For the purposes of convincing you of my point, let me provide you with a number of facts influencing the decision to say "NO!" to a new, canine member of our family:

1.) We have two guinea pigs, Darwin and Galileo.  Remember them?  I don't think so since both you and your sister, who both found these messy little creatures so enchanting two years ago, barely give them the time of day now.  If your father did not spend the time needed to care for them and clean their cage, I would have given them to the nice Ecuadorian home health aide who took care of Oma who said they were a delicacy in her country.  And I probably would have also included a couple of skewers and a complimentary bottle of barbecue sauce to seal the deal.

2.)  A dog is an enormous responsibility, both financial and time-wise.  Your $2.00 per week allowance will not adequately cover the financial responsibilities of dog ownership, which included food, chew toys, veterinarian costs, pet sitters and other incidentals.  I know you are expecting great things from the $0.50 weekly cost-of-living increase you will receive on March 2 when you turn seven, but it still will not come close to the hundreds of dollars needed to take good care of a dog.  And while your intentions of promising to do chores to help earn money are well-intended, your track record for doing the same chore, week after week, still needs some additional practice.

Additionally, a dog is a large commitment of time, which is in short supply around our house.  How would you feel about being sent out into the backyard to scoop up dog poop on a weekly basis?  Would you be able to remember to put out fresh water morning and evening for the dog?  Doubtful.  You don't drink enough fluids yourself.  Would you vacuum every other day to keep dog hair from piling up on the floors?  Would you be able to train to the dog to stay off of the furniture?  Train the dog to not pee or poop on the rugs and floors?  And what would you do if the dog you want so badly chewed up your enormous collection of stuffed animals and other toys?  What would this dog do all day while we are at work and you are at school?  It really is not fair to the dog to be cooped up in the house all day with no attention.  Dogs are social animals and when they become bored and lonely, they can be destructive.

When we do get home from work, I am not going to be stuck walking the dog after you have become bored with caring for it or would rather play Wii or it is too cold or wet or rainy to take the dog on a walk.  Or if you must complete your homework assignments or after you start participating in other extra-curricular activities, I am not going to be the safety net.  If I am going to use up the remaining cartilage in my knees, I am going to use it seeing Venice, Stockholm, Prague, Budapest or Hong Kong and not walking around our neighborhood at the end of leash, picking up dog poop in a plastic bag so that we do not run afoul of the neighborhood association.

3.) I would also like to refute your argument that your father and I pay no attention to you, and would like to put forth a claim that you chose to spend time on many activities other than lavishing love, affection and attention upon your parents and sister.  We spend a good deal of time arranging play dates with your friends, chauffeuring you to various activities such as soccer, ice skating, Cub Scouts, etc. and time hanging out with you.  You, on the other hand, are often more engaged in playing with your friends at EDP and ignore the parent who has come to pick you up and seem annoyed that we have arrived.  Mom, Inc. is considering implementing a new plan of periodic electronics-free weekends.  Stay tuned for news on this.

4.) A few stylistic comments on your letter:  Don't lay the praise on so thick.  We're your Mom and Dad, we are neither the BEST mom and dad in the world, nor the WORST.  There are lots and lots and lots of excellent mothers and fathers in this world.  Lots.  I love you to pieces and your smile and humor light up my world on a daily basis, but just about every Mommy thinks that her kids are the best in the world and we all cannot be right.

5.) Another minor comment on the form of address on your letter's envelope:  how nice of you to address it to Daddy and Grandma or Aunt Ginny.  You know my name and you know it is NOT Mrs. Albin.  Attention to minor details like this can be almost as persuasive as the contents of the letter itself.  It is very important not to irritate your audience before she even opens the envelope.

Again, you are one of the lights of my life and I love you very, very much, but as much as I love you, your request for a dog is declined (which translates to "Mommy says 'No way!'" in your world.)

I am, however, open to the concept of a turtle.  Submit your proposal showing me that you understand what a turtle needs in terms of a habitat and food to the address listed above, my people will call your people and we'll do lunch to hash out the details.  Maybe it could even happen in time for your birthday, may be not considering that we will need to see how long it takes the Mid-Atlantic Turtle and Tortoise Society review our application and how long it takes the State of New Jersey to issue a permit to own a turtle.  Neither of these things are under my control.  Start saving your allowance for that 55 gallon tank, though.  To paraphrase Louis Pasteur, "Chance favors the prepared (mind)."

Hugs, kisses and love you bunches,

Mommy